We are a dying breed. It’s only a matter of time until we’re on the cover of National Geographic with a caption that reads: “In danger of extinction.” Because that is what we are to the naked female eye: we’re nothing but animals at first. Now, if that term seems a little rough around the edges, guess what? You’re probably one of the few gentlemen still “roaming” the Earth. They don’t make them like us anymore; if you agree that means you’re one of us. Gentlemen are like a secret society and I use the word secret because it seems as though we don’t even exist. It’s about time we change that.
“Nice guys finish last” is a phrase I hear more often than I’d like to and, although it has an ironic connotation, it’s maddeningly true in most cases. As an ICF certified life coach, one of my passions is interpersonal relationships namely dating and romance. I myself am a proverbial hopeless romantic who thinks opening a car door and giving flowers will never go out of style; I guess you could stamp an “old school” label on me. That ship hasn’t sailed; contrary to belief chivalry is NOT dead. It died in many men but it still burns in gentlemen. I live life “by the book”. What I mean by that is I don’t deviate much from the success tradition brings to the table without much change. Being a gentleman is a lifestyle, a state of mind. It has carried on for many generations and will prove to be effective years from now because it can stand the test of time. Speaking of which…
Let me tell you a story I haven’t told anyone aside from my best friend. My life is an open book. I might as well share it with you so that you have a better understanding not only of who I am but how I think.
The year was 2008. I was living in Broward County at the time working as a bartender at a family restaurant in the greater Pembroke Pines area of South Florida. I was scheduled for the afternoon shift, one that ran until 1 a.m. I was one of two bartenders that night and it is one I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
The dinner rush was starting to arrive but the bar remained quite inactive. The drink orders were still coming in at a steady pace but nothing out of the ordinary. I was assigned to make them while my fellow bartender took care of the customers sitting at the bar. All of a sudden, I felt time stop. Something happened which compelled me to stop what I was doing and turn around. When I did, I took the first few looks at what I thought had been the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. She was as flawless a woman as I could possibly imagine but what caught my attention were her lips: I could not die without first having kissed them. To my surprise she wasn’t alone. To her left and right sat her parents whom I met that same day. As they say, two birds…
After two of my famous strawberry Margaritas, the approval of her parents and an in-depth conversation, I knew I had to see this girl again. There was absolutely no way I was going to let her walk into my life and right back out again. She struck me as the kind of girl who enjoyed taking things slow so instead of being too forward and asking for her number right in front of her parents, we traded screen names on the popular Sidekick phones back then (to my surprise this would not be the case but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). Just twenty four hours later, we were chatting it up.
Among the things I found out about this girl were that we shared ethnic backgrounds, she was a year younger than I was, had an older sister, earned a living as a flight attendant and was out of town usually five days out of the week. Still, that didn’t stop me from wanting to be together. We would constantly inbox each other on MySpace, trade texts and phone calls and make every attempt to see each other whenever she was in town. I’ll admit I was head over heels which is something I hadn’t felt for a long time, not since my last serious relationship. I had played my cards right every chance I had gotten because I saw something special in this girl the likes of which I could see myself with for a very long time. Needless to say I was a gentleman every step of the way and, unlike most girls I had previously met, she saw that in me. I considered myself lucky to have met such a wonderful woman.
A few weeks after having met, we grabbed a late cup of coffee not too far from where she lived at the time. She was telling me about how she would rather skip sleep and pack in order to take the early bird flight out the very next morning. That night’s conversation was all about our favorite things such as food & music as well as the past and how it has led to us meeting for the first time. An hour or two later, I’m walking her to the car when she begins to play with her keys a little too much. Body language is important and it was telling me that she wanted one thing and one thing only: to be kissed for the first time. Without hesitation, I leaned in and received one of the most memorable first kisses to date; we both smiled and proceeded to kiss some more. After parting ways, a light bulb went off in my head on the drive home. I was going to see her one last time before her flight.
As I got home around 11 p.m., I set my alarm for 3 a.m. so that I would give myself enough time to throw on a t-shirt, shorts, flip-flops and drive myself to the airport before she got there. That’s exactly what I did. Driving close to eighty miles an hour got me there quickly in order to grab a sourdough bagel with cream cheese and some hot chocolate, things she confessed to liking the night before. As I made my way to her gate, I hid amongst the passengers so that my cover wouldn’t be blown. A few impatient minutes later, I see her strolling down through the terminal getting closer and closer. I wait for the perfect time to rise from my feet and walk right into her path. Upon seeing me, her jaw drops along with the luggage that was in her hand. She had no choice but to jump right into my arms and kiss me yet again. It felt truly amazing. She told me it was the most incredible thing anyone had ever done for her; she even called her Mom on the spot to tell her about my escapade. Gratifying doesn’t even begin to describe it. Now that I think about it, it sounds like something straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. To this day I have no regrets.
A few months had come and gone and our affection was reaching new heights. Truth be told it had crossed my mind some time earlier but I never brought it up much less acted upon it knowing how much it can alter a successful relationship. One night we’re having a night in cooking dinner together and watching some television at home. We shut things off and begin talking in bed. One thing led to another and things become heated. Judging by how quickly our clothes came off, it’s safe to say we were ready to be intimate. Here I was having the most adult phrases whispered in my ear by the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen and out of nowhere, I stopped myself right in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it but my conscience started kicking in at the most inopportune time. The look on her face was a mix of instant insecurity and confusion; I bet mine mirrored hers. I had to explain myself and, in the heat of the moment, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Granted, this took place more than seven years ago so I don’t really recall the exact words I used. I do, however, remember the emotions that were going through my head. That last sentence is proof that my mind and my heart go toe-to-toe with each other when it comes to my emotions. Nine guys out of ten wouldn’t have thought twice about sleeping with that girl that night; I was the lone guy. I told her that I had never experienced this level of affection towards anyone and that I was skeptical of acting on impulse. A few moments later, she understood where I was coming from, asked me to cuddle and fell asleep on my chest. The sound of her breathing brought me peace in knowing that I had made the right decision however silly it may look in anyone else’s view. I was happy and that’s all that mattered. I knew it was only a matter of time until we demonstrated how much we meant to each other; that moment came (beautifully, I might add) and we kept dating for quite some time.
As the old adage goes, all good things must come to an end. We came to the conclusion that the distance and time apart (among other things) was just too much for our emotions to handle so we chose to part ways amicably. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated; I was unequivocally in love with this woman. I wish it had worked out because I would’ve definitely seen myself with her for a very long time. Life obviously had other plans for me but I will always look back at the moments I had with her with fond memories and have no choice but to smile. She is now a mother to a son and happily married. I wish her nothing but the best.
Why exactly did I bring forth this story?
The reason I shared it is because at the end of the day, I have nothing to show for the hard work and dedication I put into the relationship. This brings me back to the frustration that haunts gentlemen everywhere. We literally embody every single characteristic that women these days appear to want all over social media yet we get skipped for what seems to be a lower standard of men. Logic dictates that when you are the best option in a pool of choices and you’re not chosen, it leaves room for endless questioning. Next thing you know you’re doubting your self-worth which may lead to lowering said standards and taking your frustrations out elsewhere, perhaps with a less suited partner than you’re used to dating.
This brings me back to the phrase “nice guys finish last”. Yes, gentlemen are by most standards “nice” people. If you like to be shown love, thought of constantly and prioritized above everything else then I’ve got some news for you: you like “nice” guys. To your advantage, there are guys out there (although rare) willing to give you all of these things but most women these days have a veil over their heads in the form of men who like to “live on the edge” and seem to stand out for all the wrong reasons. If what we see on Facebook, Twitter and even real life conversations about marriage and the long haul is true, then why are gentlemen all over the world getting left behind? Although that might appear to be an interrogative, it’s more of a fact. The truth of the matter is most gentlemen these days are single, myself included. Scary, isn’t it?
If you’re a woman reading this, chances are you’ve had your share of relationships. Some of those might have been successful and others I’m sure were a complete disaster; been there, done that. Now think about this for a second: how many men have suffered the consequences of being the guy that follows the man who completely destroyed your hopes of finding Mr. Right? Odds are the average woman has had at least three gentlemen slip right through her fingers because Mr. Right Now cheated or simply didn’t have his heart in the right place. It’s called generalizing and it hurts the “nice” guy. Generalizing can spread like a virus and it will undoubtedly infect the majority of men, leaving us gentlemen in the dark. What is really happening is that the guys who have done little to no wrong will now be stifled with the “guilty until proven innocent” stigma because so many others have had no clue about how to properly court and love a woman.
Let’s be honest and not kid ourselves, most of us (regardless of gender) have a hard time seeing something good come our way even if it slapped us across the face. I come out in defense of the gentleman because it is the men who have a harder time shedding predisposition about who we are even before we get a chance to reveal our true self. I reiterate: we are a dying breed. It’s getting harder and harder to rid ourselves of the camouflage that our clueless peers are unconsciously draping over the rest of us. So through these words I reach out to women all over the globe with hopes of finding a good man. I encourage you not to give up on your personal journey to finding happiness.
As for my fellow gentlemen, nice guys will never finish last. They will always get the girl. The right girl.
-FA
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Francisco Alvarez 