Chasing perfection.

Soul mates

Singlehoodvilleburgh is a town we’ve all lived in from time to time. Although its population has never been determined, rumors say it is home to more than seventy-five percent of the world’s citizens. Some play their cards right and leave forever while most people regretfully move back in disappointment. If you’ve left the nest and found true happiness along with another passionate individual, allow me to be the one of many to congratulate you and wish you nothing but continued success. If you’re not, however, part of this elite company: don’t worry. What I’m about to tell you will surely minimize the constant frustration that comes with the territory and, in return, maximize your chances of finding love. Are you ready? I sure hope so because I’m excited!

I’m a believer in tough love and anyone that knows me well enough will have no problem telling you that I shoot straight from the hip. I’ll admit it has gotten me in trouble plenty of times but honesty is still the best policy. For that reason, I am going to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Brace yourself: the reason why you haven’t been able to find “the one” is because they don’t exist. If you think about it, it’s a load off your shoulders considering it is something beyond your control. It might seem harsh to hear those words especially when your hopes are high but there’s a good explanation for my blunt approach. Please allow me to explain my brash motto.

When we utter the words “the one”, we can’t help but to picture a flawless utopia in our heads. In just a short phrase we can seemingly align the stars in our hearts while living a carefree life next to a knight in shining armor and/or Mrs. Right. In his book “Winning Ugly”, former tennis pro and coach Brad Gilbert explains that “when we chase perfection, we’re chasing a myth.” As a result, we’re constantly swimming in a sea of disappointment with each failed relationship as one huge tidal wave after the other. You have a better chance of winning the lottery three times in a row. As a hopeless romantic myself, I know what it’s like to aim for the stars and come up empty-handed time after time. I’ve been there. Like you, I know what heartbreak feels like and yes, I too pop in a chick flick, slip into a Onesie and grab a pint of ice cream. Wait, WHAT?!

Listen, as a certified life coach I’ve been trained to get to the root of all problems in order to find solutions so I’m going to apply that skill here. The base of the word relationship is relate and, in this day and age, we’re losing that very important skill as time goes by. Fewer people are willing to relate to their partners in ways only they can because they become emotionally lazy. When I say relate, I mean being able to know their likes, dislikes, wants, needs and everything in between. If you want to be part of a successful relationship, you must be willing and able to invest the effort required to make it work regardless of any obstacle that stands in your way. Contrary to belief, relationships are not 50/50%, they’re 100/100%. The inability to provide your partner with those essential traits will set yourself up for failure even before taking life’s journey together. You wouldn’t board the Titanic knowing what you know now, would you? Neither would I. Here’s my advice: stop sulking in a corner and tormenting yourself with the expectation of finding love if you’re not going to make the necessary changes in your life. With that said, it’s time to turn that frown upside down.

Now that I’ve given you the bad news in a nutshell, here’s the good news: you can find “the one” by creating them. The words soul mate have been thrown around everywhere from sappy romantic novels all the way to Hollywood. It’s all fun and games until you realize what it takes for love to truly blossom. Even Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams’ characters in “The Notebook” wanted to kill each other from time to time but it was their relentless love for one another that made their bonds stronger. Chances are you’ve actually come across someone in your life with whom you could have been happy but, if we apply my theory, odds are you did not even notice because the work ethic just wasn’t there.

I lied: soul mates DO exist. There IS such a thing as “the one”: you just have to find out which one is “the one” for YOU!

Francisco Alvarez is an ICF Certified Life Coach specializing in business and interpersonal relationships. Follow him on Twitter: @beingrelentless.

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